


Hold me I'm scared

by Dexilt



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Behavioral Analysis Unit (Criminal Minds), Denial, Fanfiction, M/M, Protective Aaron Hotchner, Reid Is Baby FFS, Romance, Spencer Reid - Freeform, Spencer and Hotchner sitting in a tree..., Takes place after the Tobias episode, criminal minds - Freeform, mentions of torture, yaoi wowww
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-17
Updated: 2019-12-17
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:55:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21832534
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dexilt/pseuds/Dexilt
Summary: After Reid got back from the barn in the graveyard, he started experiencing PTSD and Hotch was quick to try and help. It's just that Reid wants to know why Hotch seems to care more about him than he ever did about the other team members.
Relationships: Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid
Comments: 7
Kudos: 203





	Hold me I'm scared

**Author's Note:**

> That's sum gay shit

The small bottle was laying in his hand and his eyes were scanning the label over and over again as if the text would change if he looked at it enough. He knew it wouldn’t change, but still he couldn’t take his eyes off of it. The bottle was cold and small, and the liquid was flowing around inside as if it was water in a normal bottle. The problem was that it wasn’t just water and that the content of the bottle was something that he had started to even sweat about. He had gotten scared that he might need it again and slip into the other world that he had experienced before when he was stuck in the barn. The memories flooded his brain, making his heart speed up and his stomach tie itself in a painful way. He swallowed nervously and looked up from the bottle to glance around. No one seemed to be too interested in him and his team was busy with their paperwork from the case they had just finished. He was the only one who was not burying himself in the papers.

Spencer bit his lip before hiding the bottle in his pocket again, feeling guilt and shame hide within him. He knew this was bad, he knew that this was horrible and that he could get fired if anyone found out or if he even decided to take it again. But the small wounds on his arm were just reminding him of how it felt like, and how almost wonderful it had been to get away from the pain and the torture he had to endure for just a day ago. He need to get help, and he ran the statistics in his head and it didn’t look too good if he didn’t tell anyone soon. But he could be strong right? He could be different. 

He looked at everyone once again, scanning them as his hand held the bottle tucked inside his pocket. This time though he saw someone staring back at him. It made him sit completely still and he barely even moved as he looked at the eyes, trying to hide everything that pointed to him being guilty of something. Maybe he could disguise it as just being shaken up from the incident, because he still was, but it was hard to hide yourself from a FBI profiler who could read your whole life from just looking at you. Especially if that FBI profiler was your boss. It made things a lot more complicated than he originally had planned and he went over how fucked he was in his head. But Hotch just lowered his head again and went back to his papers, leaving the smaller boy confused and wondering if he had really been that good at keeping his facade up. He must have, why would Hotch look down otherwise? Or did he know?

The ride back to Quantico felt like it never ended. He could only sit there and stare into the wall while replaying everything that had happened to him, and the sweat was almost running along him now. He was shaking and he couldn’t sit there with his friends anymore, he couldn’t sit there and just stare. So he stood up quickly, almost knocking off the papers in front of him before running away the little bathroom in the back of the plane. He felt the others staring at him, their eyes burning into his back as he took one step at the time trying to pretend he was fine. When he finally got inside the little room he closed the door and locked it. The room was actually pretty lit and clean which was unusual for bathrooms, but on the other hand it was private jet for the FBI specifically.

He sat on the lid and looked at his hands. When he looked at them they looked dirty, just like they had been when the team found him. Dirt under his nails and over his fingers, the water making sure that it sticks to him as he tries to dig the hole in the ground while he stands over him, threatening to hurt him. It didn’t matter anymore though, and the gun to his head didn’t mean anything. It was as if he had already accepted his fate, and his fate was to be buried alive by a man who had merged with his father figure in the mind. His hands looked dirty.

He reached over and washed his hand with a generous amount of soap, but he still looked dirty. He washed them again but still the brown and black spots on his hands wouldn’t leave him. He bit his lip and tried to hold back the tears and his voice which threatened to come out. His mind was playing the scene over and over again in his head, making him remember it as if it was the only memory he had. It hurt him, and a small pained whine escaped him before turning off the water and hiding his hands in paper towels as to not see the dirt on them. He knew it wasn’t real and he knew that this was just stress and a development of PTSD, but still he couldn’t stop shaking. 

A quiet knock was heard on the door, and Spencer quickly looked up. How long had he been in here? How long had he been trying to wash the dirt off of his hands? Did someone else need to come in here or have they already landed in Quantico? He hoped they had already landed, he just wanted to go back to his desk or even go home. Even if home seemed scary right now. He had to gather himself before answering back, so he took a deep breath and looked up to the roof before letting out a strong and normal “Who is it?”. Luckily for him, he kept his voice normal and didn’t get a single shaking note into his question. He almost sighed in relievement.

“It’s Hotch, how are you Reid?”

He froze once again in his seat and he held his breath. It was Hotch, did he know? He had been watching him before, but for how long had he been watching him? Had he profiled him? No he couldn’t have, they promised they would not just profile each other like this. Maybe he just wants to check on him? Maybe he doesn’t know about the drugs in his pocket that he had stolen from a dead body. Hopefully he has no idea and just suspects the obvious, which is trauma. 

“I’m fine. I just needed some time away from the story and the pictures I think.” He shot back, this time failing at keeping his voice steady and letting it break here and there. He swore at himself and closed his eyes before hugging himself as to bring some comfort. For some reason though he just wanted to get out of the bathroom and run into Hotch. He wanted to be close to him since the man usually protected him. Hotch had also been the one who first hugged him at the scene and the person who had understood what he meant. Hotch knew, they knew each other and it brought him some sort of comfort knowing he wasn’t alone and that there was someone out there who actually wanted to protect him. Hotch had always been there, and right now he needed him again. But that was weird right? It must be something wrong here. The other team members didn’t do anything similar, do they? 

Judging by the quiet thud against the door he guessed that Hotch had leaned against the door and pressing closer to hear better or to even make it feel like he was closer. It made the knot in his stomach not as painful and he opened his eyes again and stared at the door, almost longing for someone to hold him. He didn’t want to go back to the barn again, he couldn’t go back to the barn again. He clenched his hand and tried to focus on where he was. He was okay, he is not out there. “Reid what you experienced would leave a scar on anyone. You were drugged, tortured and forced to dig your own grave. We just want you to be okay. Can you come out?” Hotch voice was more soft than before, and Spencer could almost see his face. 

The thing with Hotch is that he always looked so stern, at first it scared him and almost worried him. He felt like he always were being watched and judged by him. But it showed to be the complete opposite because soon he learned him how to use a gun, they learned how the other thinks and even how to send secret messages to each other. They trusted each other maybe even more than the rest of the team. Spencer had called Hotch a narcissist and according to the team they all freaked out and got scared since the two boys had been very close. But Hotch knew what it meant, he knew that it was a trick and he knew what it all meant. His face was more soft when he had hugged him that night, and Spencer even suspected that a tear or two had fallen from his eyes. 

“Why? Have we already landed?” He tried desperately to avoid the subject even though he knew it wouldn’t work. But it would at least by him some time to dry his eyes and hide the fact that he was scared and felt like this. The only problem now was the Dilaudid in his pocket. The drug that had made him escape it all and helped him through it. If Hotch ever found out… Their good relationship would surely end. He couldn’t have that, he wouldn’t be able to move on if he lost Hotch now. So why isn’t the drug already in the bin? He couldn't let go of it. Just like Tobias hadn’t been able to let go of it. 

“Spencer don’t try to avoid the subject. Can you please come out? The other’s are getting worried too.” Hotch never really said his name. It was always ‘agent Reid’ but usually just Reid. It was never Spencer. They were the FBI and therefore a lot of respect between and for each other. So Hotch must be very serious.. Even though the situation might not be the best, he still felt safer and more acknowledge by the man. But still he felt scared of what he would do? Maybe his boss just wanted to lure him out so he could stick his hand in his pocket to grab the small bottle. That wouldn’t be the best scenario for him and in all honesty it frightened him about it. Hotch wouldn’t just do something like that towards him, would he? They trusted each other…

But he knew he had no choice but to get up and unlock the door. He tried to ready himself for the face of his boss who would most likely look very disappointed in him, he had locked himself away with drugs in his pocket after all. So when the door swung open he didn’t dare to take another breath and he stood still while waiting for seeing Hotch’s expression. But it surprised him to see the other man looking almost guilty and sad, as if it had been his fault that Spencer had locked himself away from the others. It made Spencer feel even worse when Hotch looked like that, and he swallowed hard while still looking at him as if he tried to still show respect.

“We will talk more when we get back to the office, don’t try to run away okay? You’ll be sitting with me now, I don’t want to risk you running away again.”

“Actually I’m quite alright.” Spencer tried, but Hotch just shook his head to him and motioned to him to follow. He knew he had no choice but to follow his orders and he followed Hotch over to sit beside him where he actually sat at times, it just felt different this time. His team was looking at him, probably not even able to hold back from trying to figure out if he was pretending or if he was actually okay. Maybe they even tried to figure out what Hotch had said to bring back the shaken up boy, it really wasn’t much so they had nothing to figure out because he was just following orders. The rest of the plane ride was almost painful. 

When the plane finally landed in Quantico Spencer wasn’t slow at all to get up from his chair and make his way to the door, but a “Reid” was enough to make him remember what he was supposed to do and he slowly walked out of the plane. Hotch was always right behind him, keeping a hand on his back to not lose him and to guide him to the office. The other team members were too tired to keep an eye on the details, and they just walked into the building as to leave their stuff and get ready to end their shifts. Spencer wasn’t too happy about it though, but at least he was not leaving the building yet, and he was not alone which made him feel safer. It was Hotch, Hotch who knew him and kept him safe. So it was fine for now at least. 

“Meet me in my office okay? I’m just gonna go and ask JJ something.” He mumbled before leaving the boy alone, which he wished he hadn’t. Spencer nodded to him, even if he couldn’t see know when he had his back turned to him. He wanted to run from here and hide the drugs in a better location to make sure that his boss wouldn’t find out, but at the same time he knew that this was a test from his boss to see if he had something to hide. Because if he left now he would more or less tell Hotch straight to his face that something was wrong and that he got something to hide. So he calmly tried to walk into his office without having his hands in his pockets and sat down in the chair, patiently waiting for Hotch to come back.

On his desk, it wasn’t too messy. Lots of folders were in piles from different cases, and some papers and pens strewn across. It was nothing that couldn’t be fixed in ten minutes but for obvious reasons Spencer didn’t touch any of it. Instead he looked at the little name sign that was proudly standing on the desk and showing itself to the world. “Aaron Hotchner” it read, and it was the only thing Spencer let his fingers caress. He knew it was weird and very out of place, he had seen it before and it was just his name. But still the boy almost longed for when his boss would come back and talk to him so he could get this over with. It was stressing him out to just sit there and wait for him to come back. 

But he didn’t need to wait for long, and soon Hotch was back and excusing himself for leaving out of the blue. He closed the door behind him and locking it as to make sure no one would come inside while they were talking. This was private and not something he wanted his co-workers to walk in on but it was also as to make sure Reid would feel safer to talk to him. If he even talked to him…

At first they were just sitting there and staring at each other, waiting for something to happen. Spencer almost felt naked as he sat there and being watched by Hotch, just them in a room staring at each other didn’t exactly make him feel as comfortable as Hotch had painted it up. It was quiet and Spencer fiddled with his fingers under the tables, trying to not get the images of Tobias in his head. Tobias who had been the victim and the unsub at the same time, just a child who had a disorder which led him to be two or even three different kinds of people. It was horrible, and he had died that night. They didn’t shoot Tobias, but it was Tobias who had died. It made his stomach roll in disgust and hatred and sadness. But the torture was also running through his mind and reminding him off the pain he had felt while hiding away in the barn. 

“Spencer.” He started, finally breaking the silence between them. Spencer reacted pretty quickly and fixed his posture without breaking eye contact. It was as if he was waiting for the other man to start scolding him or telling him he was gonna get fired from the job because of the drugs. But he hadn’t taken them yet, so it must be fine right? He can just say that he didn’t wanna leave drugs at the crime scene and that he brought it in with good intentions. The drugs hadn’t entered his systems, it must be okay. 

“You must tell me what’s wrong. You might need therapy after what you went through, it’s not wrong to go and talk to someone you know? You’re a smart guy.”

Spencer nodded before deciding to answer, even if he was scared that the other would profile him on this. “No it’s fine, I don’t mean to worry you. Really it’s okay. You should go home like the rest of us. I appreciate you caring about me, but really it will be alright.” 

Hotch really did not look satisfied with the answer he had been given and he mostly sat there and stared at him which once again made the smaller boy try to fix his posture even if he hadn’t moved since last time. It made him uncomfortable and soon he would probably freak out and try and leave even if he hadn’t been given permission yet. This was bad and probably a part of the plan and Spencer was not happy about it. 

“Something is clearly wrong here and I’m just making sure-”

“You don’t have to make sure of anything! I’m fine!” He interrupted him and stood up from his chair, quickly turning his head away as to break the eye contact they previously had. This made Hotch also stand up and making his way to the other boy who had started to shake again, just like he had on the plane. His hands were gripping onto the edge of the desk and his head was tilted downwards, almost as if he was ashamed. Aaron gave a sad look to him before wrapping his hands around his wrists, trying to bring him back to reality and out from whatever memory he currently was in. 

Spencer looked up at him again and shook his head to him, finally giving him the truth about how he actually was feeling. Hotch didn’t hesitate before giving him a real hug, carefully holding the boy to his chest as to comfort him. Spencer hid his face into him as to not let him see the tearfilled eyes and the expression of horror on his face. He was scared and he had felt so alone out there, so alone and just abandoned and forgotten. Even Jason’s message through the screen had left him feel empty. They were looking for him, but at that time they didn’t have much to go on. Spencer thought they would never make it in time before he was killed. 

And he had gotten killed..

He had died out there, he had been cold on the floor as the life escaped him and left his body all alone on the wooden floor. They had been too late, and the only reason behind that he was alive is the fact that Tobias switched back and went to perform CPR on him as to bring him back to life. But what had been worth it now? 

Spencer’s fingers were digging into his jacket that he hadn’t had time to take of yet, and he was happy about since he didn’t want to ruin his attire. Hotch didn’t say anything about it, he just held the other close to him and ran his fingers through the hair which had started to reach his shoulders. It was messy, even if he had brushed it previously. He tried hard to not make his fingers catch in a knot somewhere and accidentally hurt him. 

“I’m sorry for calling you a narcissist..” Spencer whispered, and Aaron gave out a chuckle before glancing down to him as to check if he really was serious about it. He knew it had just been to call him out without getting suspicions from the unsub, Spencer had no reason to feel bad about it. It had been a smart move, and Hotch himself was unsure if he would have managed to come up with something so smart in a moment like that. It was genius and it was proven of being a good plan since not even the other team members had managed to catch onto what he was saying. They thought he had just given into the torture he had to endure. 

“I didn’t get offended, I knew what you were doing Spencer. It’s fine.” Spencer looked up at him, looking kinda confused at it. 

“Why are you calling me by my first name? That’s not really normal for you”

His boss looked at him for a while and bit his lip, trying to come up with a good explanation as to why he referred to him as Spencer and not agent Reid. It almost felt weird for him to even say Spencer since he wasn’t used to it at all but he really wanted to call him by his first name and not go around calling him agent or Reid. At least not now when it was just them there after work hours, thinking about it he didn’t wanna say Reid at all anymore. It would be weird to say Spencer, wouldn’t it? He silently cursed. “Because it’s just us here, and right now you’re not my agent, you’re Spencer.” 

He sighed before looking down again and feeling almost sad but still happy at the same time. His head was leaned against the other and he enjoyed being close to someone he trusted. Hotch was there. “Is that the only reason? You’re calling me in here to act like my therapist?” 

Spencer pushed him away, glaring at the man as he tried to make a connection about what it was, now that he apparently didn’t know about the drugs since he hadn't mentioned them to him. He was happy and relieved about that part, but the rest just made him feel upset. His own boss calling him in to act like a therapist or some sort of dad for him? It was as if he didn’t mean anything to him and that it was all just a bullshit lie to make it seem like it wasn’t something work related when it actually was. Spencer hugged himself, wrapping his bruised arms around himself and slightly slouching over. Hotch looked at him and instantly felt bad since there had apparently been some wrong connections. 

He had been tortured by someone who treated him as a friend and as an enemy. What had he been expecting? Spencer had been tortured and he had felt lost out there in the barn. He had been forced to do horrible things, he had been forced to choose who gets to live and who gets to die. He had been drugged and now he was experiencing PTSD. Hotch almost got mad at himself for not being more clear. 

“No hey that’s not what I meant and you’re aware of that. Spencer please you know I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“I died out there Hotch! And you saw it, I know you did. You were watching the whole time.” A tear fell from his eye and the world seemed to get blurry for him, as if he was watching everything through plastic when he knows it’s actually water filling up his eyes and blocking his sight. He knew better than this, but for once it was actually his emotions talking and not his brain. 

“I was out there trying to find you, I tried okay. I saw it yes, and it broke me. Spencer you died out there and it broke me. Please calm down, stop thinking that I don’t care about you because I do.” 

“Then why am I here? You didn’t do this to the other’s when something happened.” Spencer was calming down, it was obvious to him. It wasn’t weird for him to get upset, and Hotch was feeling impatient and as if he had to come forth suddenly. How can he withdraw information from another profiler? It was almost impossible, especially since it was someone he knew very well and saw almost every day. But how can he tell the truth without breaking the rules? He never breaks rules but maybe this time he would have. 

“Because I care more about you than I care about the others. I care about them of course, but you’re special.”

“Teaching me how to use a gun and then using me as your personal punching bag makes me more special than the others?” Spencer defended himself, even though there was nothing to defend himself from. He was smarter than this, he knew it wasn’t the case. But at that moment he was just so tired mentally from the past days. It was as if his brain was shutting down, especially after all those memories he had to endure while being on Dilaudid. 

“Spencer no, that’s not what I meant. You mean more to me, didn’t you think it was weird that I’m the one who managed to catch onto what you mean? That I ran forth to you as fast as you got back and I’m the one taking the step to take care of you and teaching you everything I know. I didn’t do that to the others. You don’t find that odd? Spencer Reid you are a FBI profiler.”

Hotch walked closer to him and Spencer took a step back as to keep the distance between them the same. When he started thinking about it, it did actually sound quite odd that it was always Hotch taking that extra step. He had always brushed it off as him just being a good leader among them, but when he put it out like this it meant something more and got more meaningful. 

Spencer had a guess about what it meant, but still it didn’t feel real. Hotch had never given out anything about him being special or having another taste. He always seemed like the typical white straight average male with a powerful mind, how could he ever have been different than that? What had he missed, had he even missed something along the lines? They’ve spent so much time together lately, he can’t have missed things or thought wrong right? It was Hotch, Spencer knew him the best so it can’t be what he was thinking. 

“What do you mean, Aaron?” Spencer in the end whispered, almost getting desperate to just know what it was and what it was that he had missed. His heart was beating almost painfully hard and fast in his chest and it was driving him insane, almost as if there were something in there punching his chest over and over again. He needed to know, he had to know. Spencer almost started to beg about getting to know what it was Hotch had in mind or what he was implying.

“I like you.” Spencer would have lied if he said he wasn’t slightly disappointed.

“You just like me? That’s the reason behind everything?”

“God damn it Reid I love you.” The words almost came out as a forced hiss, like he was annoyed or as if he was afraid to he even utter the words. But he had uttered the words and now his own agent knew about something he had only told Jason before. Jason knew, and he had been shocked at first to know. Even as a profiler Gideon had missed it or never even thought about the possibilities about Hotch having a thing for Reid, but the more he watched him the more he started to see it. 

Spencer was looking at him with a shocked expression, his mouth slightly open and his eyes staring at him as if he had just seen a ghost. Because it was as if he had seen a ghost since Hotch, Aaron Hotch, would never ever say something like that or have feelings for thin and overthinking little Reid. It just didn’t make sense to him that it was like that, that it was like this. Those nights or those times when he had always wondered or thought about it, they couldn’t just suddenly turn true. They just couldn’t, but they did. 

Spencer almost fell and as to catch himself he leaned against the wall behind him. Hotch was quick to run to him and to hold him up as to prevent himself from getting injured further. Maybe he had said too much, maybe this had been the worst time at all to actually tell him. But right now he got too worried about Reid to even think about it. What if he passed out?

“Spencer please tell me are you okay? Do you need water or to sit down?”

He held onto his arms, trying to keep him steady and not let the boy lean to much on himself. He was scared that if he let go for even a second Reid would fall to the ground and pass out on him, that wouldn’t be good at all. But Reid was staring at him still, his fingers wrapped around his arms before almost jumping as to get enough strength to stand up and pull down the other. 

It was messy and Hotch was caught by surprise to suddenly feel those lips on his own. 

Reid’s lips was chapped and dry from all the time in the barn and not getting enough water or food, but they were still warm and Hotch guessed that if he got back on track, those lips would be very soft in reality. But he didn’t mind it at all right now, he could only wrap his arms around the smaller figure and press his lips back to him as to return the kiss. 

Feeling Hotch kissing him back made him feel as if could fly, and suddenly the cold turned into a warm embrace. It was heaven and everything felt right in that moment, that moment with the person he had longed for in so many months, maybe even a full year? Or two.. He got so happy and filled with joy that a small sound of relief and happiness slip through him. Hotch immediately caught onto it but pulled away slowly.

“You’ve had a long day.”

“No I wanna continue..Aaron please.” he silently begged, his eyes only half open as he looked at Hotch who almost looked worried at him. 

“Tomorrow okay? Let’s get you to bed alright?” He nodded and Hotch made sure that he got to bed safely and that he was well and not having any PTSD attacks or getting hit by the memories or nightmares. 

But the bottle remained in Spencer’s left pocket.

**Author's Note:**

> I have only seen the three first seasons of Criminal minds but oh my god I ship these two so much...


End file.
